IN AN OPEN LETTER TO MY EX-BFF, I SHALL NOW DISPENCE THE INNER FEELINGS I HAVE LET EAT AWAY AT MY ALREADY WEAK SOUL/HEART IN WHAT I CAN ONLY HOPE WILL MAKE HIM REALISE THAT I NOW HAVE NO TIME FOR DESTRUCTION IN MY LIFE.

to nick.
it's been over a month now since you made that ever-so drastic error of sending cathryn and i that text message and since then, i shall THANK YOU for filling my mind with endless worry and/or self-analytical query.

the sad truth of the matter is that i still DON'T UNDERSTAND what i've done to be put through this fuckery. it's still such a mystery, but really... there's no mystery to it, because there is no reason. well done for fucking up things between yourself and cat and i, you did it in truely brilliant style. as they say, if you're going to do something, do it properly.

i was prepared to forgive you, if only you'd have been prepared to swallow your pride. i was decent to you in work because i find forgetting about the true problem is easier for ME that harking back to the same old shit. but it's gone too far, and you've made it way too hard for either of us to just call you a friend again.

we are always together, me, you and cat.... we went out as a threesome, we had some brilliant times. why waste that on a stupid message, which boils down (correct me if i'm wrong) to the fact that we cooked a chilli(!!!!!!!) in tenby.

surely, nick, at 20 years of age, you should be mature enough to discuss any issues you might have with your best friends at an adult level? i don't know, maybe sitting down and talking through problems is too much to ask, but isn't that the sensible thing to do? isn't it the non-selfish thing to do? whatever, soldier. i'm not sure i give a fuck anymore.

i couldn't care one iota if i don't see you again. you've made things in work, things in my life, things between my FRIENDS so awkward and horrible that the appology that i once desired, and the explanation i craved, has GONE. i desire neither of these things now. i don't want YOU in my life, making me anxious about going into WORK, for christ sake.

you're right, i am bitter and i am volitile, but at least i'm now doing it out in the open. as for you, your pathetic attempt at trying to back your childish behaviour up, comes across now as nothing more than stupid attention seeking and undeserved pride.

sometimes peoples mistakes in life show them as the cowardly, insecure, nasty and heartless bastards that they are. and i can only hope, that one day, someone you really care about sees that in your soul and leaves you - clueless and crying, without explanation or reason.
you truely are, one of a kind. with each slow, dragging, awkward minute i spend with you, it drains my faith in humanity.

but with my anger, and my doubtful tears which i've wasted today, and in the past month, i DON'T WANT YOU to ruin my expectations of others. i don't want to be angry with people and i don't want to be bitter. i'm attempted, with each day to work at forgetting all this mess.

i think that one day, probably in the not-so distant future, you'll regret your actions. with hindesight, i certainly regret my actions in thinking you were a decent, kind person.
the past shapes our future. mishapen or otherwise. in writing this letter, i'm attempting to put THIS past behind me and move on as a calmer, wiser person.

leave work.

i am bitter. and currently i am crumbling slowly to tiredness of this whole situation but i know where my priorities lie, and i am intelligent enough to know that friends are FRIENDS. they are there for you - the family you can pick yourself. and like with family, you don't screw them over and willingly fuck them up.

this is goodbye. this is me, making peace with myself.

so, rot in hell. i hope you slowly reveal yourself as a heartless human being to everyone else. after this, you deserve to be alone.

from, nia (slightly bitter, with much anger and upset inside her soul, but who is quickly leaning that sometimes the world, and best friends can shit on you. and that you SHOULDN'T let OTHER PEOPLE, WHO ARE BELOW YOURSELF, get you down.)

mmmm, okay. so i'm watching this thing on tv with something with food on and i am so incredibly hungry for some good actual food now. rawr.

okay, so my bitch of a mother won't come to new york with me and that pisses me off. for a long time i didn't want to talk to her and now, if it wasn't so far away in a place that isn't as big and as scary as NYC then i would totally just book tickets myself and then my parents would be all 'omg, no way, you can't go to new york on your own' and so i would be like 'well duh, book another ticket' and then they'd have to do it.

anyway. whatevez... this programme is annoying now. i hate these people on it, why can't they cook me some damn fucking food. god.



uhhhhh..... i need to write, but whatever, i can't concentrate on that shit. LOLZ.

oh god, waiting for this call is making me want to puke. please, if there is any sort of god, You will know how much this trip to new york with make not just my day, but quite possible my life so far.... so please, if you're up there, grant me this one wish and i will forever be endebted to your graciousness. oh my, i feel so nervous. i think i'll cry if i can't go.... hurry the fuck up. i can't eat/sleep or drink and i've just looked at seating for all shows online and i could get pretty good seats, y'know? my oh my.......

omg. i'm fucking excited.... i just rang my mother and she seemed 'interested and open-minded' about accompanying me to new york. my fingers and flickering over the 'book tickets' button on ticketmaster right now because there are limited seats in some places.... fuck, this will be a great 21st birthday present. i feel like nothing can bring me down, bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







oh, new york... i'm a'coming...

i had a really nice lunch today. i went out with my dad and my brother and we had a nice cous cous from the fair trade shop down t'road. man, oh man.... i'm bored and tired. i really want to go and see batman again today. oh god, it's a great film and just well acted but right now i think i'm hungry again. i'm always hungry, see. it's an issue i have. oh well, i had a really nice sleep last night and it's good to be able to write again, but right now i'm at my parent's house and i don't know what it is about this home now, but you know, i just get here and sort of want to go back to my own house..... UHHHH, i'm thinking i should be listening to some jesse malin right now and then go say hi to my mother's friend who's just arrived to have her hair done. maybe i can even convince my mother to go to the cinema tonight.... woop, it'll take a lot of persuasion to get her to see batman, but w/e.... this is such a pointless blog. i don't even know why i'm writing still. OMGGG....?

the silent disco on saturday was pretty awesome. those chavs at central station were fucking hilarious. they looked about 14, but so claimed they were both twenty and they came over to us, all swaggering and talking in that way they do without their lips meeting and they were all like, "o'rite, luv?" and i was totally like "to be honest, i'm not going to fuck you." which made them be all "oh, luv. cheeky cow! you don't say that out loud." and i was all: "well, you might as well just not bother wasting your time trying to chat me up." and then they went on and on until we got on the train to the bay.

and man was it busy down there. the disco was great fun though, even if there were just three of us, i had a really great time and i saw my old friend from primary school and we did the silent macarana together AND YEAH, we had a nice time.

i'm still like, totally turned on by the dark knight film and last night i had this sex dream about heath ledger and i felt sort of guilty when i awoke cos y'know... in this dream he was the joker and i was aware that he was dead also. and does writing this down here make me an over-sharey freak? idc, tbh...

talking of over-sharey freaks. i can't believe that RA hasn't replied to the insane courtney love blog. LOL. oh god, that would be so incredible to read. i urge him to do so because i am up for supporting me a little bit of TEAM RYAN. -nods-

oh my, the dark knight was incredible. i was expecting it to be mediocre, right? you know, i thought it would be bigged up because heath ledger is dead and everything and the way they were going on about how great he is as the joker, i just thought 'yeah, whatever. is it better to be a dead genius or a living joe bloggs?' ya know???

BUT OH MY FUCKING GOD.

spoilers?

it's an incredible film, everyone is fantastic and just... heath ledger is incredible. his character is brilliant. like, probably one of the BEST perfomances EVER put on film. i'm glad this will be his defining role, because it's certainly going to be rememebered and for all the right reasons.

just... wow. i keep thinking about it. and everyone i talked to has all said the same thing. le sigh.

to true talent, may it reign over the golden screen for many a year to come.

-bored-

oh my.............. #sg

you know, i had my friend's wedding yesterady and i couldn't help sort of crying and feeling a bit lonely. ahhhh, religion - what a lovely way to find someone who'll love you for who you are and not fuck off as soon as they can.... mmmmm....

and now it's sunday and i was meant to be going out last night to get drunk and tbh, the only real reason i had this day off is cos i thought my friends would be something more than shit and actually come out and party in eleanor's name, y'know? celebrate for her seeing as she's now a WIFE!!!!!!! WOAH......

my life is filled with elipses... gaaahhhh. i wish he'd never talked to me the other day because now i spend all my time wondering whether or not to talk back to him and whatever.....

umm, i'm already one day off down and i can feel mysself growing slightly depressed and bored with life. time to quit my job and go the new york i think. ahhhh. dreams..........

mmm. jay-z tonight. finally, something i can look forward to now.

mmm. i'm excited, tbh.

after so much shit that's gone on with my 'supposed bff' then i need some cheering up.

oh, also. a huge shout out to the fucking awesomeness of MAMMA MIA! the film. wow.

i've had the biggest falling out with my best friend. tbh, i can't be arsed with him now. i've had my cry, i've ranted my anger out and just sort of feel a little disillusioned with this evening.

it's not even my fault why we fell out. he's just being an awkward dick and made me cry and seems to think he can just stop talking to me with no explanation as to what i've done to warrant such treatment.

i don't want to call him names, he's my best friend, but he's been so nasty, so out of character and just is making bullshit up to try and back his shit up. idk... i really don't fucking know.

so out of the blue that i didn't even know what to say.

it's his jealous lesbian bff.... fuck off rachael. you've no right to fuck it up between us.

i'm so damn hungry. i so need some food, but i'm being incredibly lazy and i just can't.... fucking be bothered to go to the kitchen and cook anything. i have nothing in my fridge anyway and now tony won't even come over and cook for me or take me out or anything.















-sigh-


i hate those mornings, you know when you wake up after you've been out drinking and you just wake up feeling so rottern it's just so gross. i had one of those mornings this morning and thursday morning... least i didn't have work today.

and i think i did a really good job at coming home drunk at 4 am and writing that porn...




she's PREGNANT. yesssssss.

yes.

i can't wait, i'm excited about going away with cat and nick and deb and woooooooo.... our itinery is so great. mmhmmm. nom nom.

the hen night last night was good. i enjoyed it A LOT,actually.... getting dressed up was fun and the journey to town was... interesting... mmmmm. but i had a great time. even if the hen did fuck off at like 11... not hardcore like cat and i. we partied on til oceana through us out. we sat bullshitting these two guys for ages and got two drink each out of them cos we are bad.

"yeah, i'm living in my hotels. the hilton?"

"don't the hilton's own those hotels?"

"yeah. i'm in that family by blood. paris is my cousin!"

"whoah. do you want a drink?"

LOL. we are fucking great.

LOL. fuck you, you prick. i would have let you do anything. why do i even think about you still? why can't you just die in the gutter? the fact that you're not dating her is good. now, just fuck off, off the face of this planet and rot in hell. you deserve nothing more than to shrivel up and die...


and yet.... if you asked me back, i'd be your fool again. i'm so stupid. when will i learn?

he is not dating mandy moore or anyone else....

i masturbated over this this evening.... oh yes, it totally gets me off....

yes. there's a london in canada now, it seems. come on, doing this to me is dangerous. lucky i didn't book ticket david, i'd have had an expensive trip ahead of moi.

either way. i'm stoked. about life and that shit.

9 day holiday. woop! woop!

ummm... in other news: i'm happy. srsly. i don't have to stress for a little while...

it's thursday night, i've been writing new songs all week.
i'm going out tonight, it's wonderful, the city is bright.










































































YOU made a masterpiece and accidently saved my life again.

honey, we'll have the best time ever.

for the first time in so many months, i actually feel excited by the future. i feel encouraged to just hang on in there and wait til november where we'll just have the most fun two single girls can have.

no one will be bringing me down from this high. and if they do, i shall take their eyes out with a blunt knife.

we'll be MIA in the USA.

california.

I just sent a message to said friend who's not coming to the hen night by accident.

ohhhh shiiit. i'll laugh right, cos i either laugh or stab out my own eyes?

'beth isn't coming anymore. her boyfriend is down and she's going out for a meal with her dad. bull fucking shit. i'm so angry'

i just want the ground to swallow me up...

-so angry-

oh god, i could just shout so many swear words, but i won't, because i'm too nice for this, but i don't give a shit if your boyfriend is down for the weekend, and if you're stupid enought to organise for him to come when you know elle's hen night has been arranged for MONTHS, then more pity you. god, i'm so angry i'm going to ring my mother to complain.

it's just not an excuse. you'll see your bf again, you can arrange that so called 'meal with dad' for another time, trust me babe, he won't mind, i'm sure. but this is your best friend's hen night we're talking about and shit like that doesn't come round all that often.

just fuck off, i feel on occassions that i don't need friends like you.

for real.




'always' doens't even fucking compare. 'kay?





why do i hate so much an love so little? why am i filled with such vemon for the human race and the life that has been paved for me by my parents? why do i feel like i'm entitled to live an exciting life, but at the same time am not equipped with money and/or friends.

i have friends. i love my friends, but i just wnt to get-a-fucking-way out of this shit place and leave and leave and leave and leave and not ever come back. ohhhh, for real, i wish i could pack my bags and disappear and just pick up and carry on over in new york or just get a new job which i enjoyed or sell my erotica or whatever and just LIVE the life i dream about all the time, it's at times like this when i feel i'm going vcracy you know...? i'm just there day after day after day and doing the same thing and it's so souldestrouing and derprseeing that it does my fucking head in.

i'm still not over you. i hate that i speand so much time thining of you and wanting to be with you agina fn jusut i ... i dont know. it sucks that i'm still sad over you and it's almost fcking ruined my relationship with one of by best friends, but she doens't know even how i feel. no, for serious. i think i could only win the lottery then nicole and i could just sail away and life would be sweet again.

you know like how things are when you're little. how when you're a kid and adults try and hide lifes shitness from you and keep things secret when all i ever wanted to do was find out things and know what was going on. adults are under the false pretention that silence will not harm a child, and that the truth will, when in actual fact, it's the other way around and it's only as we get older that we yearn for the unspoken and the silent...........


,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,kjguf7trcvnb m

ps: AL. you're the worst mistake i ever made.

i was watching an old repeat of never mind the buzzcocks last night with amy winehouse. ohh, fucking hilarious. poor girl, she is a messy thing, but it made me lol.


ummm. i might get **** tomorrow.